CYCLE 4

I finally have internet at home so I will be able to post more often. Sorry it has been so long. After my August doctor appointment the whirlwind of medical appointments finally slowed and I started coming to terms with my illness, my treatment and everything that has happened. I kept thinking, that poor girl. Then I would realize that girl is me and this is happening to me - again. After 9 years I was so shocked that I had relapsed. And I can't even feel sorry for myself because I am not immune - tragedies happen every day and things far worse than what I am going through. Why me? Why not me? But I feel blessed. I get so much strength from God. I get so much strength from my family and friends. I get so much strength from my precious 3 little grandsons. Have I mentioned how beautiful and funny they are? Yes, to everyone I know I am sure and to strangers. I am sure I am the most obnoxious grandmother ever but I don't care. I can't help it if I have the best little grandbabies ever! ;-) I have so much joy in my life and cancer has not been able to take my joy of life from me. I won't let it...I refuse to let it take any more than it already has. But I've had moments...and I have had days...when Iam trying to remember how strong and happy I am and the tears flow anyway. On the hottest day last week my air conditioning wouldn't work and after an expensive service call I was told it was because I didn't put the door back on after I changed the filter. I had left it off so my son could make sure the filter was in correctly before I dealt with that heavy awkward metal door. And a sprinkler head busted so water was flowing to the gutter when the sprinklers came on that morning and I kept thinking about how much water I had wasted. The disability people told me there would be a 2 to 4 week delay in my disability check and it made me feel so vulnerable and I kept thinking about the people who don't have any backup and how horrible it must be for them. And the tears flowed. I just decided to let them flow because it just takes way too much energy to hold them back. And energy is what I am most in short supply of these days. I started cycle 4 on September 7th. The week before was my week off meds and I really felt good that week. But as I take the chemo pills, as the days go on, I get more and more zapped for energy. I was juicing which helped me a lot...but then I started having days where I was too tired to deal with the juicing. I am going to try to force myself because I know I will feel better. In fact, I am going to go juice right now...and then I will post again later today about my September doctor appointment and my September birthday. Bye for now. ~Vicki