Bone Marrow Biopsy

With the help of my entourage, I got through the bone marrow biopsy on Friday. Having whined enough on the phone to get their attention, although they still would not put me under, they did give me some pretty cool drugs and this time I remember it all sort of but don't really care as much. They limited it to one person with me in the room so my son Scott was with me. I guess people tend to pass out when they watch the biopsy and the doctor really needed to keep his focus on me so the rest of the entourage waited patiently in the waiting room. Scott was a trouper and although it felt like I was squeezing his arm off he hung in there. We just talked about the babies and Scott and the Doc kept reminding me to breath through the pain and then it was over. I think I did a lot better this time...but I think the drugs helped a lot more. After some blood work at the lab (I barely remember that part though I do sort of remember being in the wheel chair) they took me home and planted me on my sofa where I slept the majority of the day. By this morning I am just slightly groggy and have some soreness at the biopsy site, but for the most part I think I am doing really well. Much thanks to my entourage for getting me there and home and feeding me throughout the day and thank you son for helping me get through the biopsy. I love you all.

Last Day of Work

I made it through my last day of work and would have to say it went amazingly well because of the love, care and support from all my friends and co-workers. Thank you again to all of you for the kind words, hugs, encouragement, the lunch which really warmed my heart, the flowers, books, and the two big baskets of goodies from everyone! That blew me away. There was so much cool stuff in those baskets, I just love it! I wore the t-shirt of the babies to my bone marrow biopsy and it attracted quite a lot of attention at the Cancer Center. Thanks again everyone for everything. I will miss everyone tremendously, but will try to visit when I can and my house is always open for visitors. I am going to relax and heal, and get through my treatments, but I will be back before you know it! Love you all and thank you so much. God Bless.

Treatment Decision

I have decided to participate in a trial at UC Davis for patients with relapsed/refractory Follicular Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (NHL). They have scheduled me for a mandatory bone marrow biopsy this Friday 5/29 which changes my last day of work to this Thursday. I will have to undergo some preliminary tests and an exam before I begin the study. I will also need to have another CT Pet Scan, ECG, blood, urine, bone scan, to name a few. My favorite, of course, is the bone marrow biopsy. The doctors seem to think anyone can endure anything for 5 minutes...even having someone drill into your hip bone with a local. I think if they ever had someone drill into their hip bone they might change their tune. But I got through it before and will again. It really was the worst pain ever including child birth. They seem to think a little Demoral this time might help. I choose to believe them at this point. I will have an entourage with me so I have back up. They have seen tremendous response in some patients with this trial so I am encouraged. The beauty of it is that if I am not responding or if the side effects are too horrible, we can stop the trial, change course and decide on a different treatment. So I will be officially in doctor world starting Friday. Ready or not...here I go! Thank you everyone for your encouragement and prayers. It helps tremendously. I so love the power of prayer. And always nice to have God on my side. ;-)

Cancer BEAT DOWN!

I am still sorting through my treatment options. I will sit down with my family in the next few days and I will have to make a decision soon. Someone from a clinical trial will be calling me to give me more information about that and answer my questions so I can decide if I want to be a guinea pig, but it is the latest and greatest so you never know. But that is just one option. It is really hard trying to figure out what treatment I have the best odds of getting through and will kick me back into remission. It is hard making these decisions when one of the side effects listed is death. How about headache, blurred vision, nausea maybe, but death? I know that is the reality of it, that was the reality of it last time, but I got through it then and I will get through it again…with my Team behind me. The reality of it is I am going to kick cancer's butt…one way or another, whatever way I choose. It may get ugly, but my cancer IS going to get a beat down! And all that black vacant area of the scan image…I am not going to get caught up in that image or let myself be drawn into the fear. I choose to believe all those swollen inflamed tumorous lymph nodes are trying so hard to work for me…to protect me and chase the toxins and cancer cells away from my body. So maybe they had to get huge to do that, but they are trying so hard and I am going to keep on exercising and eating healthy and keep giving my body all of the resources it needs to fight. I haven't been able to do weights or exercise much since my biopsy, but I have managed to cycle on the bike trail 7 miles every morning before work. Exercise is the only power I have ever felt over my disease. So if I can cycle, even a little bit every morning, it makes me feel like I still have some control over my health. It is one of the ways I know I can help Team Vicki. Thank you for reading this and thank you for being on my Team!

Thank God for work.

The rest of my work week has been somewhat challenging but the work has kept me focused. I really like what I do and regardless of what is happening I still want to help my attorneys and make their day go as smoothly as possible. I don't like drama at work so I have tried to keep it in check so we didn't end up flooding the place, but it was hard. I try to keep a smile on my face so sadness doesn't overtake my space and for the most part I haven't been sad, I am still somehow happy, hopeful even joyous. I look at the picture of my 3 little grandsons on my desk and everything is right with the world and I'm still happy. There are such kind caring people here at work and it makes it so much easier for me. I have such good friends here that I love so much. And the firm has been amazing with the way they have treated me and are trying to help me. They tell me "we" will get through this and when I hear that I realize I am not alone and people will help me. It really took a load off my heavy shoulders to know I had their support and they would help make this easier for me. All the hugs, cards, flowers, emails, kind words…it really has made a difference. In one of the emails they wanted me to know they were on "Team Vicki." That was so cool to think I have a whole team, that I am not alone. I am looking forward to the Memorial Weekend and then next week is my last week of work. I start my leave June 1st, but I WILL be back.

May 19, 2009 -- the day of very bad news

Tuesday, May 19th, was my visit with my oncologist, Dr. Wun, to go over the results he had already relayed to me on the phone and discuss treatment options. My sister Jann, my son Jeff, my best friend Robin were with me to help me listen and take notes. Dr. Wun is such a great doctor and I feel blessed he was my doctor the first go around and will still be my doctor this time. Dr. Wun and his nurse Christine always made my visits to the Cancer Center easier and although I hated being there, hated driving down the road leading there, I always liked seeing them. I mean if this is my reality, at least it is with good people. On Tuesday Dr. Wun very carefully explained everything and all of my treatment options in his intelligent doctor way. With computers and all the technology this time he was able to show me my scan, a picture of my body like you would see in one of those medical magazines, but in a 3D version he could rotate front side, back side. It was pretty amazing. But what struck me was the thick black lines down each side of my neck, and other black areas, and then below my chest all the way to my groin this solid vacant large black area from side-to-side. I was confused and had to ask him what all of the black areas were. As he explained that those black areas represented the cancerous tumors, that they grew and were inflamed and had become this huge black vacant mass on the computer screen, I froze and tried to keep my mouth from dropping open. For the sake of the others in the room I was trying not to look as shocked as I was. The mommy part of me didn't want my son to see it…I was wishing I had something to throw over the screen, to protect him from the reality of it. If I had know it was that bad I wouldn't have let him see it. I knew they said I had swollen lymph nodes throughout my body, but I figured one here, one there, but not that, not like that. How could that be? How could my body let me down like that? I rarely have a drink of alcohol, never smoked or took an illegal drug in my entire life; I don't even like to take an aspirin for a headache. Even when they gave me a prescription for a narcotic for the pain after my biopsy I didn't take it. I try to buy organic nutritious food as much as possible, I really pay attention to what I eat the majority of the time, and I exercise all the time. How could I be this sick, how could my body look like that. My son stayed stoic I think but I couldn't look at him for awhile. My sister and Robin held it together while we were in the room diligently asking questions and listening to Dr. Wun, taking notes. In the end my sister had to walk outside and broke down. She was as shocked as I was but sometimes I think it is even harder on the people around me. I hate that. I hate hurting my family and friends.

One of life's interruptions

So, back to my illness. I try to see it as more of an interruption. One of life's interruptions that I am being forced to deal with. I had a scan on May 1st and a biopsy on May 4th. It is funny how I am not that great with remembering dates, but I rarely forget the dates of my tests. I can tell you the dates 9 years ago of my initial doctor visits, tests, biopsy, the day I got the biopsy results, the first date I went to UCD Cancer Center, the date of my first chemotherapy treatment. Once I started my treatments a lot of it is somewhat of a blur, but I remember the date I got the results of my retests after treatments ended. July 3, 2000, my celebratory anniversary date of my remission. I never forget those dates even after all these years. The day of my biopsy 18 days ago I was waiting with family and friends at the UC Davis Surgery Center. You learn to wait at hospitals and doctor appointments. Finally I was done being prepped for surgery, my cute little hospital cap and gown, and I remember just wondering how I got there, back in doctor world. I mean how in the world could this possibly be happening. When you get in doctor world it is hard to get out. Not that long ago I had been just doing my thing, working, exercising, and joyous over my 3 little grandbabies, and then boom, there I was, back in doctor world and hoping that the scan was wrong and the doctors were wrong, that there had been some sort of mistake and the biopsy would prove it. Nine years ago I was just so sure that they had made a horrible mistake and there was some other explanation for my lumps and symptoms, but I was wrong and I was shocked that I was wrong. And this time it was not a mistake, the biopsy proved what the doctors told me…that I had relapsed and now had Recurrent Refractory Follicular Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Refractory in medicine meaning unresponsive to medical treatment. Not good.

Not just good people; really great people.

I have such good people in my life. I mean really great people, not your average person, but just awesome people. I have a large family, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, great nieces and nephews. It is so cool to be in a big family and my parents are the best parents you could ever ask for. My parents are getting their wedding vows renewed in the church next weekend and I am very excited about it. And my sons. I mean who could be as blessed as I with such three wonderful sons? We have been through so many trials and tribulations as a family, but we got through it, are still getting through it, and my boys mean the world to me. When I think of any one of them my heart just warms with the love I feel for each of them. I love them all so much. And everyone knows about the triplets. When they were born even complete strangers trying to mind their own business in line at the grocery store had to hear about my amazing grandsons and their amazing parents. I will talk more about my beautiful family in the days to come. But besides my awesome family I have awesome friends. I have just wonderful friends. I have friends I have known it seems like forever. I have friends I use to work with. I have friends I met after my initial illness 9 years ago. I have friends at work that I have gotten to know over the last 6 years while I've been here. I was a member of The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team In Training and am still an honoree member and they are like having an additional family. I just have amazing people in my life…angels here on earth. So it is no wonder I have a hard time feeling sorry for myself even under these circumstances…because I am blessed. I am so blessed and it just does not feel right to complain. At least not right now.

Rollercoaster Ride...

The last month has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. I am not use to that. I usually keep my emotions very even for the most part. I now have days where I am so happy and so full of joy that it strikes me as odd that I could be this happy facing such dire circumstances. Today in fact is one of those days. I feel so vigorous and full of life that it just doesn't make sense how sick the doctors are telling me I am. A few Saturday mornings ago I was on my way to boot camp and I was feeling so good, so joyous that it confused me and I was sort of questioning how or why I could be so happy under the circumstances. Then I realized I could feel God with his arms just wrapped around me, holding me, comforting me. And I remember, He was with me through my original diagnosis and treatment 9 years ago, and He is with me now, as always. But then I have had a couple days where I was so low I couldn't stop myself from crying and that was confusing because I can always put a smile on my face and stop myself. But I couldn't, for two days. It started on a Friday after work and it was confusing because Friday after work is "my" time after working all week, usually happy, ready to relax, plan something fun, and have a great weekend. But not that Friday. I prayed and I tried all my usual pick me up tricks and nothing worked. I visited family at our regular Friday night card gathering at my parents and it distracted me while I was there, but as soon as I left the tears kept flowing and they flowed into the night and into Saturday. I had so many people available to me 24/7 if I could have just pick up the phone, but I couldn't. I don't know exactly when the tears stopped, sometime Saturday evening I think. I am not sure why they stopped, maybe I just ran out of tears or maybe things I had to do got in the way, but they did stop thank goodness. That was the worst of the lows. Not that bad considering everything. Now I keep them to brief moments in the shower or occasionally while I am driving, but for the most part I have stayed positive, faithful, hopeful, happy. I still have my moments but I get over them quickly. I notice if you just go ahead and put a smile on your face it is hard to not be happy. So that is what I do, I smile, then I feel happy and remember I am happy. Joyously happy.