Rollercoaster Ride...

The last month has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. I am not use to that. I usually keep my emotions very even for the most part. I now have days where I am so happy and so full of joy that it strikes me as odd that I could be this happy facing such dire circumstances. Today in fact is one of those days. I feel so vigorous and full of life that it just doesn't make sense how sick the doctors are telling me I am. A few Saturday mornings ago I was on my way to boot camp and I was feeling so good, so joyous that it confused me and I was sort of questioning how or why I could be so happy under the circumstances. Then I realized I could feel God with his arms just wrapped around me, holding me, comforting me. And I remember, He was with me through my original diagnosis and treatment 9 years ago, and He is with me now, as always. But then I have had a couple days where I was so low I couldn't stop myself from crying and that was confusing because I can always put a smile on my face and stop myself. But I couldn't, for two days. It started on a Friday after work and it was confusing because Friday after work is "my" time after working all week, usually happy, ready to relax, plan something fun, and have a great weekend. But not that Friday. I prayed and I tried all my usual pick me up tricks and nothing worked. I visited family at our regular Friday night card gathering at my parents and it distracted me while I was there, but as soon as I left the tears kept flowing and they flowed into the night and into Saturday. I had so many people available to me 24/7 if I could have just pick up the phone, but I couldn't. I don't know exactly when the tears stopped, sometime Saturday evening I think. I am not sure why they stopped, maybe I just ran out of tears or maybe things I had to do got in the way, but they did stop thank goodness. That was the worst of the lows. Not that bad considering everything. Now I keep them to brief moments in the shower or occasionally while I am driving, but for the most part I have stayed positive, faithful, hopeful, happy. I still have my moments but I get over them quickly. I notice if you just go ahead and put a smile on your face it is hard to not be happy. So that is what I do, I smile, then I feel happy and remember I am happy. Joyously happy.