May 19, 2009 -- the day of very bad news

Tuesday, May 19th, was my visit with my oncologist, Dr. Wun, to go over the results he had already relayed to me on the phone and discuss treatment options. My sister Jann, my son Jeff, my best friend Robin were with me to help me listen and take notes. Dr. Wun is such a great doctor and I feel blessed he was my doctor the first go around and will still be my doctor this time. Dr. Wun and his nurse Christine always made my visits to the Cancer Center easier and although I hated being there, hated driving down the road leading there, I always liked seeing them. I mean if this is my reality, at least it is with good people. On Tuesday Dr. Wun very carefully explained everything and all of my treatment options in his intelligent doctor way. With computers and all the technology this time he was able to show me my scan, a picture of my body like you would see in one of those medical magazines, but in a 3D version he could rotate front side, back side. It was pretty amazing. But what struck me was the thick black lines down each side of my neck, and other black areas, and then below my chest all the way to my groin this solid vacant large black area from side-to-side. I was confused and had to ask him what all of the black areas were. As he explained that those black areas represented the cancerous tumors, that they grew and were inflamed and had become this huge black vacant mass on the computer screen, I froze and tried to keep my mouth from dropping open. For the sake of the others in the room I was trying not to look as shocked as I was. The mommy part of me didn't want my son to see it…I was wishing I had something to throw over the screen, to protect him from the reality of it. If I had know it was that bad I wouldn't have let him see it. I knew they said I had swollen lymph nodes throughout my body, but I figured one here, one there, but not that, not like that. How could that be? How could my body let me down like that? I rarely have a drink of alcohol, never smoked or took an illegal drug in my entire life; I don't even like to take an aspirin for a headache. Even when they gave me a prescription for a narcotic for the pain after my biopsy I didn't take it. I try to buy organic nutritious food as much as possible, I really pay attention to what I eat the majority of the time, and I exercise all the time. How could I be this sick, how could my body look like that. My son stayed stoic I think but I couldn't look at him for awhile. My sister and Robin held it together while we were in the room diligently asking questions and listening to Dr. Wun, taking notes. In the end my sister had to walk outside and broke down. She was as shocked as I was but sometimes I think it is even harder on the people around me. I hate that. I hate hurting my family and friends.